Hitman - Movie Review | Movies

Hitman movie poster Last night, I finally talked myself into watching Xavier Gens' Hitman. I had heard nothing but bad things about this movie, so I wasn't expecting much. Regardless of what I had heard/read, I still try to go into a movie with an open and empty mind. Which oddly enough, is exactly what I came out with after watching the movie?

Check out our Upcoming Must See Movie list that featured Hitman.

The movie starts off at present time with Agent 47 seated and gun pointed at Interpol Inspector Mike Whittier. Agent 47 asks some stupid questions and then the movie fades to the past and shows Agent 47's upbringing. It wasn't really anything new that we hadn't already seen in better movies like Kurt Russell's Soldier. So he grew up as an unwanted shit and instead of growing up in a household where his mother was most likely a whore and his father an abusive drunk, he grows under the supervision of an institution known as "The Organization" which teaches him lifelong skills of how to murder, death, kill anyone he comes across. Don't get me wrong, having parent's and shit is great. But, who wouldn't give all that up for the skills and assets that an agent for The Organization gets?

Hitman mirror reflection Timothy Olyphant from movies such as Gone in Sixty Seconds, Dreamcatcher, The Girl Next Door, and Live Free or Die Hard plays Agent 47 rather well. But then again, there's not much to play. Agent 47 is a character who shows little to no emotion and doesn't expect much from life more than his next paycheck. I would have been surprised if Olyphant would have fucked this role up. I could probably shave the back of my dog's head and have him play the role just as well.

Dog's head or not, after the growing-up montage, we are quickly thrown into 47's current life of contract killing. Complete with awesome gadgets and meticulous plans, he makes his living putting holes in people. The movie tries to imply that 47's life is about to be thrown into a sandstorm when he decides to take a job even though he doesn't agree with the timeframe or the client's desire for it to be public.

The target of the hit turns out to be the Russian president. In his always professional style 47 aims, shoots, and explodes the Russian's brain all over an on-looker. Shit hits the fan when 47's Organization contact tells him that he won't get paid because the president was still alive. They then tell him that he must accomplish a side job to get rid of a witness.

Hitman sexy Nika Olga Kurylenko, the Ukranian Sex Goddess, plays Nika Boronina "The Witness". Nika is the Russian President's bitch who follows 47 after he realizes that she has never seen him before and then saves her from an attempted assassination. Thankfully, there are plenty of scenes that have Nika walking around in nothing but a thong, showing all of her wonderful assets. There's one scene where she's nearly completely nude, bending over the rail of their hotel room's patio and she reminds 47 that it's "Rude to stare". I think any guy (or lesbo) watching this movie probably felt like she was talking to them. I know that I completely forgot what movie I was watching while watching her do her "scenes".

Unfortunately for us, Agent 47 is a complete a-sexual retard who's unwillingness to get it up for a goddess, leaves our imaginations to do the work as we stop paying attention to the story and just start thinking of what we would do if Nika was on top of us...

Hitman Nika and 47 Sometime after my daydreams of waking up to Nika sucking on my toes and her giving me a good morning blowjob, I was back to paying attention to the movie. Somehow, 47 put together that he's been set up and that the only way to fix the problem is to kill everyone in question. Much like the rest of the movie, he casually goes around killing more people that had to do with whatever storyline was lost to me after the Nika daydream. I do know that he killed the main bad guy at the end and then gets away safely so that he can then go and asexually stalk Nika from rooftops.

I wouldn't say that this was my favorite movie ever, but I also wouldn't call it bad. It was a decent video game to movie conversion that did keep with the overall tone of the video game. Unfortunately for the movie, the video game isn't really all that exciting for an action movie. Don't go into this movie expecting James Bond badassity. 47 is more of the quiet guy who just does his thing 9-5 to get paid. As far as 9-5 goes, I wouldn't recommend spending much of your hard-earned cash on this movie. If there's nothing else on the shelves at your local Cockbuster, pick it up for some amazing day dreams.