A list of upcoming movies that you should give a damn about seeing. If you don't find that you agree with these movies being good or with our write-ups on them, then please proceed to follow the student's of Oprah's school in Africa by getting raped by someone who undoubtedly has aids and hasn't showered in the past year.
November 9th [limited]:
No Country for Old Men
Directed by the Coen Brothers, and based off the acclaimed novel by Cormac McCarthy, No Country for Old Men is all but guaranteed to kick copius amounts of ass. It starts with a war vet who stumbles upon $2 million from a drug deal gone wrong. From there he has to deal with a massive pursuit, namely from a hitman hired to push his shit in. With such stars as Tommy Lee Jones, Woody Harrelson, and the older brother from the Goonies, this promises to be the next History of Violence
November 16th:
Beowulf
You may be thinking that this will be the same old song and dance about a bad ass named Beowulf wrecking monster's shit and making the bitches wet. To some extent, you are probably right. The major difference in this iteration over some of it's bastard step-brothers is that this one is done completely in CG. Now, a lot of people bitched about how creepy Final Fantasy: A Spirit Within looked, but I was pleasantly surprised. I can only begin to imagine the amount of work it takes for 3d graphic artists to pull movies like these off. If that doesn't sway you to my side, I hear that one of the female cg characters gets naked. TITTIES!
November 21st:
Hitman
Another video game movie... In the past, I would have probably just written this off as another BAD 'B' movie based on a video game and gone to have seen it anyway, because I'm a geek. Hitman could easily follow the path of other BAD video game movies, such as: Super Mario Bros, Double Dragon, Fatal Fury: The Motion Picture, Street Fighter (I and II), Mortal Kombat (I and II), Wing Commander, House of the Dead (I and II), Doom, BloodRayne (I and II), DOA: Dead or Alive. The list just goes on and on. Oddly enough, there have been enough pleasant surprises from this genre to peak my interest in the slightest. Films like Silent hill, Resident Evil 1 (not 2 or 3), and both Final Fantasy movies have made my inner child cream in excitement of watching the characters that I have spent so many hours on in a video game daze, prance around on the big screen. I have a feeling Hitman may just be one of those "tickle your inner child" video game movies. Also, it's a movie about a damn hitman. How in the hell could they screw that up?
Check out our Hitman review here.
November 28th [limited]:
Teeth
You probably haven't heard of this one. It was nominated for the Grand Jury Prize at 2007 Sundance Film Festival and the main actress Jess Weixler won 2007 SFF's Special Jury Prize for her performance in this flick. This movie comes out of one of my favorite genres in that it is a campy comedy horror film that doesn't take itself too seriously. Jess Weixler plays a high school student that discovers a special ability when her body becomes the object of male violence. Her vajayjay (oh god a Gray's Anatomy/Oprah reference) grows teeth and chomps down on her assailant! A vag with teeth! Come on, you know you want to see this. Now, I've seen some vajayjays that I could have sworn looked disgusting enough to have teeth, but nothing as real as this. But, I'm sure many of us would still hit it with some kind of steel-toe condoms.
December 14th:
I Am Legend
Out of all the movies coming out in the next year, I Am Legend is the one I am most looking forward to. Not only do we have a movie adaptation of an amazing (I Am Legend by Richard Matheson), but we have Will Smith who is very easily one of the greatest actors of the past 10 years. I Am Legend is a story about a scientist who ends up being the last human alive on the planet after a virus turns everyone else into night-dwelling creatures. An older adaptation of this book (The Omega Man), had Charlton Heston sniping at undead creatures from the safety of his impenetrable tower while the undead continually attempt to invade. Even if you found the first one long and drawn out, do not put off I Am Legend. It is sure to be FlamingBaby's movie of the year!
Check out our I Am Legend review!
December 21st:
National Treasure: Book of Secrets
I am sure I will get tons of shit from the guys for adding this movie to the list, but it can't be helped. I enjoyed the first one. Sure, it may have been a little campy. But, it was a nice family friendly movie that kept everyone guessing. I can hear them bitching at me now for even thinking of adding a movie with Nicholas Cage in it. IMHO, he's a decent actor. He's been in Next, Lord of War, Matchstick Men, Gone in Sixty Seconds, 8MM, Face/Off, Con Air, The Rock, Leaving Las Vegas, Guarding Tess, and Honeymoon in Vegas! Having that kind of resume alone, warrants a trip to see his newer movies. Not to mention the fact that the movie has Cage solving the murder of Abraham Lincoln! Granted, the title could have been better. Currently it sounds like the 54th installment of the Harry Potter series. But despite naming conventions, it has a chance at being good.
December 21st:
Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story
Walk Hard is a guaranteed success. First it was written by Judd Apatow, who did Superbad, Knocked Up, Talledega Nights, The 40 Year Old Virgin, and Anchorman. Second, it has an amazing cast. You have Jenna Fischer, the hottie from the hit tv show The Office. Paul Rudd, Pete from Knocked Up, plays John Lennon. John C. Reilly plays Dewey Cox. Harold Ramis, Egon from Ghostbusters, plays the ghost-fighting Record Producer. And last but definitely not least, Jack Black blesses the rest of the cast with his godly presence. Walk Hard tells the life story of Dewey Cox fighting through the hardships of life to become one of the world's greatest musicians. Being a Judd Apatow movie, sinks this one in for me without me having to put any thought into it. It is sure to be funny and possibly make me piss my pants from laughing.
December 25th:
Aliens vs Predator: Requiem
As much as I hated the ending of the first one, I still have to go see this movie. It's the same problem I have with the Resident Evil series. Even though the movies get worse, I find myself obligated to go and see the latest just to get my fix. The same applies here. Here's to hoping that this movie will be more focused on Aliens vs Predator and less on the human factor that nobody gives a shit about. The major thing this film has going for it is the inclusion of the Predalien. We all saw the Predator's chest burst while he was on board the Predator ship at the end of the first film. So we can only imagine the carnage that the cute little Predalien inflicted. But, I swear on FlamingBaby that if this movie ends with a Predator frolicking merrily through fields while holding hands with a human like the first one did, I will ANAL RAPE the first person I see while leaving the theater. Nuff said.
Check out our Aliens vs Predator: Requiem review here.
January 18th:
Untitled J. J. Abrams Project (Cloverfield)
I can't say no to a monster movie. This one follows a small group of people as a godzilla-esque monster ravages New York. There has been quite a bit of internet hype on this movie and some odd advertising. The first trailer was actually shown before the Transformers movie and it showed the destruction of New York City and the severed head of the Statue of Liberty falling to the streets. Here's to hoping that the directors didn't puss out and show the monster ripping through the twin towers.
Check out our Cloverfield review here.
January 25th:
Rambo
Yet again, I'm obligated to see a movie that I really don't have a lot of interest in. But, once again I am forced to see this because I have already seen the previous ones. In this iteration, Stallone rolls his wheelchair Thailand to save a group of missing Christian aid workers. I'll do my best to sit through the movie unobjectively and just watch the explosive arrows blow the shit out of the set. In all honesty, I am most looking forward to Julie Benz's performance as Sarah. If you don't know who she is, she is the love interest of everyone's favorite serial killer on the hit tv show Dexter. So even if the movie completely blows (which it probably will), I can still leave the theater and think "Damn, she's hott and she bangs serial killers". It doesn't get much better than that.
Check our our RAMBO - Movie Review here.
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