Face it, our country is going down the shitter in a hurry. With terrorism, peak oil prices, and Uwe Boll threatening our beloved country, we need someone to save us. Ron Paul is a true red-blooded American, a real conservative, and a devout Christian. In fact, you might go so far as to call him the "Jesus" of Christianity. Don't take my word for it, though. Here are the ten most compelling reasons to vote for the only man who can rid us of the damage caused by Curious George Dubya.
10. Ron Paul is a new character in Super Smash Bros Brawl
Ron Paul doesn't have to hide in a box like some kind of pussy. He stands tall and proud willing to take on any little bitch that thinks they have a chance. Some of you are probably thinking that Link can beat him. Please! That faggot will be too busy saving that cock-teasing princess Zelda from some other evil villain. Ron Paul doesn't have time for skank ass hoes. He's all about limited government and KICKING ASS!
9. You can't vote for John McCain
Do we really want another crippled president?
John McCain can't do this!
8. You can't vote for Rudy Giuliani
Rudy Giuliani eats babies. I'm not talking about the ugly baby your coworker brings in, who can't keep its head up due to its neck being made out of Ramen noodles. I'm talking about babies so cute, they make the Gerber baby look like Brian Peppers’ feces. "The cuter the baby, the tastier its brains", according to Giuliani. In fact, studies from recent polls suggest baby eating went up 450% during Giuliani's term as mayor of New York.
On the other hand, Ron Paul voted against the Baby Eater act of 2005. He also supports legislation that would plant bombs in babies and then use them against the Iraqis, rather than throwing them away purposelessly as midnight snacks. Ron has been getting a lot of shit over not supporting women's abortion rights. Why in the hell would you throw away perfectly good IEDs? Squishy aborted fetuses just aren't big enough or strong enough to encase a proper explosive. Look for Ron Paul's new slogan "Babies over Baghdad!" on bumper stickers, billboards, and on the newest shitty album by Outkast.
7. You can't vote for Barack Obama
Barack Obama isn't black enough to be the first black president. I don't oppose electing a black president, as long as he is actually black. Obama, on the other hand, is whiter than Strom Thurman. If we truly want to show our racial tolerance, we need to elect the blackest man we can find. Hence, we have Ron Paul's potential vice president, Billy Dee Williams.
The white vote is all but won. Legions of nerds would love to have Lando from Star Wars as their second in command. He's also a former spokesman of Colt 45. You just can't get any blacker than that. If Al Sharpton, Lil John, Mr. T, and James Brown combined powers to make Black Captain Planet, Billy Dee Williams would pimp slap that Uncle Tom in a heartbeat. So with a combination of white nerd appeal, impeccable blackness, and downright badassity, he'll be a hell of a vice president.
6. Ron Paul knows how to fight terrorism
Ron Paul's urine kills terrorists. This will simplify the immigration policy tremendously. In addition to putting up electric fences, rabid dogs, and burritos contaminated with aids, we can simply have Ron Paul treat any newcomer to the US with a nice golden shower. Any terrorists will die a painful SARS-related death. And the innocent have nothing to fear, as the uric acid will help treat their acne. This would guarantee us sexier, less threatening immigrants. Not to mention anyone badass enough to get past the defense methods I just mentioned can do nothing but good for our country.
5. Ron Paul is no punk bitch
Ron Paul killed Dumbledore. I'm not referring to the pussy Dumbledore in the Harry Potter series (who gets killed by Snape who gets killed by Voldemort.). I'm of course talking about Richard Harris, the actor who played Dumbledore in the first two Harry Potter movies. Richard Harris' character in The Unforgiven, English Bob, once said, "Why not shoot the president?" Ron Paul wasn't going to sit idly by while this naysayer spoke such blasphemy. Like any red blooded American would do, he promptly pushed Harris' shit in, via Hodgkin's disease.
Which leads me to my next point...
4. Ron Paul can strike you down with Hodgkin's Disease
Plain and simple, you don't fuck with Ron Paul.
3. Ron Paul the ladies man
On April 21, 1958, Ron Paul saved a troop of girl scouts by strangling a grizzly bear with his foreskin. Afterwards, when the scoutmaster touched the dead grizzly, she was immediately impregnated with triplets. She later gave birth to Bruce Campbell, MacGyver, and Raul Julia. Ron Paul later performed a post-birth abortion on Raul Julia for starring in the Street Fighter movie, as well as being Latin American. This shows both his leniant stance on abortion, as well as his harsh immigration policy.
2. Ron Paul can save American lives
Ron Paul proposed that instead of invading Afghanistan, we should hire local bounty hunters to capture Osama Bin Laden. This is awesome due to the fact it is actually true. With Dog the Bounty Hunter, the Iraqi war would have only lasted five days, ended with ZERO American deaths, and had all of the insurgents praying to god for them to live better lives and thanking Dog for tossing their stash of drugs before taking them in.
1. You can't vote for Hillary Clinton
The Eye of Sauron in the Lord of the Rings is really Hillary Clinton's snootch. Peter Jackson reportedly payed her $3 million to spread eagle on top of the White House. Ecstatic that someone was more interested in her snatch than cigar-banging a fat secretary's box, she obliged. The image was so frightening that it turned Frodo and Sam gay, as illustrated in the movies. If she’s elected, the entire U.S. population will become homosexual and lose its ability to reproduce. Ron Paul, on the other hand, has an aura that is scientifically proven to increase the fertility of women in a 2,000 mile radius. Electing him would give us the population boost we need to compete with the Chinese.
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