Every time I hear about some idiot killing himself in the news it pisses me off. Not because it is a sad world we live in, but because they aren't creative at all. How original is it to shoot yourself in the head, slit your wrists, hang yourself, or run your car in the garage? For those would-be Kurt Cobain's out there, we've come up with some great methods for ending your shitty existence.
Have Yourself Turned Into a Blood Diamond
The Setup: Have yourself turned into a Life gem. Arrange it so the resulting diamond ends up in Africa.
The Result: The leader of a small rebellion uses you to buy weapons to slaughter innocent villagers. While innocent people are being slaughtered by weapons bought with you, you’ll be sold to some pampered bitch as a pair of diamond earrings. She’ll then get herself mugged in a dark ally and killed. Afterwards, the muggers will use you to buy some drugs, which they will overdose on and die. The dealer will lose the diamond after some junkies kill him, steal it, and pawn it off for more drug money. A poor single mother of 5 will then purchase you with her kid's milk money, only to have 1 of her kids put the diamond earrings in her mouth and choke to death. You’ll then be thrown into the ocean in disgust, only to be recovered by some douche with a metal detector at the beach to resume you’re rain of terror on the world.
What Would Actually Happen: Your friend will pawn the diamond for $30 so he can spend the next 2 months jerking off to cumfiesta.com.
Fight a Bear to the Death While Freefalling Over an Urban Area
The Setup: Find the most viscious bear you can. Preferably a bear from out in the wild, and preferably a bear that has been starved for quite some time. Fly a plane about 12k feet in the air over a major city, and hop out with the bear
The Result: You are killed fighting a bear with you're bare hands while free-falling over a major city. The penises of every man who witnesses this act will shrivel out of intimidation. Every female witness will come down with PSAS.You will then be crowned king of Valhalla, where you'll be granted all the power and women you can stomach
What Would Actually Happen: The penises of every man who witnesses this act will shrivel out of intimidation. Every female witness will come down with PSAS.You will then be crowned king of Valhalla, where you'll be granted all the power and women you can stomach. Did you honestly think something else would occur after such a manly death?
Jump Into the Machinery at a Candy Factory
The Setup: Sneak into a candy factory, and hop into the machinery when no one is looking. Be sure to leave your remains somewhere practical. Severed body parts will be easy to spot in the midst of bite sized m&ms.
The Result: The possibilities are endless, really. One kid might bite into a Reece’s peanut butter cup, only to find hair and flesh instead of peanut butter inside. Another might bite into a chocolate covered almond, only to realize it is actually your chocolate covered testicle. Maybe a piñata is busted open, and your severed head falls out of it. Afterwards the candy company is sued for millions, while also losing millions in recalled candy. You will not only ruin candy for countless children, but also be responsible for the downfall of a large snack food conglomerate.
What Would Actually Happen: If you aren’t caught in the act, this might actually have a chance of working. Worst case scenario is all of the tainted candy being delivered to the same place, where you’re remains can easily be removed from circulation before word gets out.
Frame a Hooker for your death
The Setup: Pay a hooker a large sum of money to bang you while you are unconscious. Tell her you have a sick fetish for being savagely beaten and abused while unconscious, and that you will watch it on tape later. Setup some cameras, put a cock ring on so you don’t lose your erection, swallow some poisons, and await her pleasure. About 15 minutes into the act, have it where a friend will leave an anonymous tip with the police.
The Result: Police walk in on a hooker who has not only killed you, but is also having sex with your corpse while savagely beating it.
What Would Actually Happen: She steals your wallet and leaves. The police track down the anonymous tip to your friend, who is then blamed for the murder
Leap From a Tall Building and Land on Someone’s Head
The Setup: Pick a large skyscraper, preferably a famous one like the empire state building. Wait until a large enough group of tourists start taking pictures (easier target for something with this margin of error), then leap off the building
The Result: You land on at least one of them, which instantly kills them. You might even get some cool pics of the carnage afterwards, if you are lucky enough to have someone’s head pierce through your midsection
What Would Actually Happen: If you aren’t arrested on your way up the building, you’ll probably puss out at the last minute. Afterwards you will go home and masturbate while crying, using your own tears as lubrication.
Get Decapitated by a Ride at Disney World
The Setup: Pick a popular ride at Disney World. Wait until the part where the souvenir photo is normally taken, and stand up. If you time it right, the picture will be taken right as your head is severed by a support beam.
The Results: You'll ruin the vacations of countless children who wanted a turn on the ride, as well as be responsible for some awesome souvenir pics. The ride will also be shut down, which means no one gets to ride it, because of you. Just don't do this on the Aerosmith Rockin' Roller Coaster. If you do I'll off myself just so I can beat your ass in hell, which is where people who fuck with awesome roller coasters belong.
What Would Actually Happen: A small amount of time will be allotted to investigate. Afterwards, you'll be labeled an idiot, and the ride will resume normal activity. The best that could happen is a few added safety features.
Have Your Head Explode on a Game Show
The Setup: Set up a series of small explosive devices around your head. Then go on a shitty, but popular game show like Deal or No Deal. Wait until a hard decision comes up, then have your head explode for the studio audience.
The Results: You will be forever known as the guy whose head exploded on a game show. If that isn't badass enough, you might get lucky and take Howie Mandel along with you, which means no more Deal or No Deal. This will earn you countless praises, and possibly even sainthood.
What Would Actually Happen: No one with an ounce of intelligence makes it on these shows. If you are stupid enough to get picked, then you're probably too dumb to pull this off
Add this page to your favorite Social Bookmarking websites
